All I want to do is make love to yooooouuuu.

You know you are infertile when you hear the song All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You and you scoff one hundred times at the person who wrote the ridiculous lyrics (clearly the same person who instilled in me during the high school years that every time you have sex you get pregnant).

Here's the song lyrics with my notes:

It was a rainy night
When he came into sight,
Standing by the road,
No umbrella, no coat.
So I pulled up alongside
And I offered him a ride.

(Was she looking for him?

Did she know she was ovulating?

Were her temperatures up?)
He accepted with a smile,
So we drove for a while.

(Also, what kind of a woman

picks up a stranger

at night, in the rain.

Oh, yeah.

A woman who wants to

get pregnant by him.)

I didn’t ask him his name,
This lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me it’s right,
Is this love at first sight?
Please don’t make it wrong,
Just stay for the night.

(Sister wouldn’t use protection

with a complete stranger?

Must have been pre-1980).

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin arms to hold on to

(I’m thinking this guy didn’t have to be begged,

but can you imagine his reaction

if he found out what she was up to?

PSYCHO.)

So we found this hotel,
It was a place I knew well

(umm, why?)

We made magic that night.

Oh, he did everything right

He brought the woman out of me,

So many times, easily

(of course, because she lives

in a fairy tale where she has multiple orgasms

and one night of sex with a stranger

results in the pregnancy

she’s always been waiting for).

And in the morning when he woke all

I left him was a note.

I told him

I am the flower you are the seed

We walked in the garden

We planted a tree

Don’t try to find me,

Please don’t you dare

Just live in my memory,

You’ll always be there

(Honey, he was out that door

The minute you said seed!)

All I wanna do is make love to you

One night of love was all we knew

All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin arms to hold on to

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love

(or, in her words,

leh-hev).

Then it happened one day,
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes

(And when he recognized you

after one night of sex

on a dark rainy night!

Hello?

Are you with me?)

I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me

(ah, the ol’ male factor infertility, eh?)
Was the one little thing that you can

(And what does the other man

think about all of this?

Does he know?

Doesn't he notice that

the baby doesn't have his eyes?

Heh)

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too

All night long
All night long
All night long
All night long.

(The worst sonnnnggg).

Written by Mutt Lange, a male

who has obviously

not been exposed

to the realities of reproduction.